Dave at 60: The Man, the Myth and the Legend!

North Cape May, NJ: On this rather brisk but sunny mid-January morning, ʻBreakfast with Daveʼ convened at the Blue Plate Diner located at the intersection of Townbank and Bayshore Roads in North Cape May. Out in the parking lot, Eddie Jurewicz, Paul Mathis, Dave “Birthday-Boy” Smith and Bill Noe huddled around Jim who was pointing out that this week, the group selected a place where Jimʼs wife was holding a Lower Township Chamber of Commerce meeting/brunch. Since the diner is spacious, the Blue Plate catered such affairs in a back room area, away from the main dinning room but right near the main entrance. So, as the group entered, Debbie, Jimʼs wife, asked how everything was going and Jim responded, “Worlds are Colliding!” which gave the group its first Seinfeld reference of the morning before the collective was even seated!

The hostess guided the group to a familiar table on the other side of the diner where the gang has sat every time they’ve visited the Blue Plate. The Blue Plateʼs menu offered all the breakfast standards from eggs to omelets and pancakes, and then some. In addition, the menu now included daily breakfast specials, like 2 eggs, 2 pancakes and choice of meat for $5.99. The coffee was fresh and flowed freely throughout the meal.

Once everyone had at least one gulp of coffee, Paul pulled out of his pocket an envelop containing some LCMR memorabilia, which Paul referred to as Daveʼs “scent” messages. In this envelop were the original plain 3X5 cards with Daveʼs hand written notes on them, like the one shown here, that Dave left on Paulʼs windshield back in the day as a goof on Paul. After a few days, Paul started to save the notes and begin a hunt for the culprit from within the faculty. However, all this did was create “copycat” bandits, like the Masked Insulter, who started leaving typed messages. Eventually, Paul figured out that Dave was the mystery note writer. Here are 10 of the better “notes” from the collection:

• Well hung college grad, 23, with truck load of raspberry fizzies, seeks discreet, large breasted young woman (25-30) with large swimming pool and liking for the unusual.

• In Japan, the hand is used as a knife. In Tunisia, the spleen is used as a chainsaw.

• Two ham and cheese, hold the Mayo, one pastrami on rye with mustard and three cream sodas.

• In Peru, it is unlawful to wear boxer shorts while eating eggplant.

• Two men from Orange, NJ were apprehended last Thursday for painting mustaches on elderly woman who didnʼt already have one.

• Jake, also known as Little Jake, Lerou had his hat blocked 600 times in one month. No explanation was given.

• Thereʼs no place like home… unless you live in the Villas.

• Beware of Bulgarian shepherds who carry a pigs bladder in their wallets.

• I fink; therefore, I am.

• “Iʼll just do it until I need glasses.”

–Stevie Wonder

After the waitress took our orders off to the kitchen and refilled all the cups with coffee and/or tea, Dave announced that tomorrow (January 20th) will be his sixtieth birthday! As if to prove that he could still remember a joke even at the age of 60, Dave told the latest Tom Hanks Buddy Hackett joke from the most recent David Letterman show:

A man is concerned about his elderly mother living alone and thought that a pet would keep her company. So, he went to a pet store and asked the owner what kind of pet would he suggest for his at-home-alone mom. The owner suggested a bird that can speak 5 different languages. Convinced that this was the best pet for his mom, he bought the bird and had it delivered to his momʼs home. A few days later, when the man called his mom to ask what she thought of the bird, his mother said: “The bird tasted great!” The son cried out incredulously, “ But mom, that bird could speak 5 different languages!!!”

The mother answers, “Well then, youʼd a thought it would have said something…”

Although this was not the joke he had forgotten last week, it still was funny. Once the food arrived, Dave wanted to share a few lifeguard stories with the group. The first story was about a wrestling move that he pulled off on a fellow guard. The move brought Dave “legendary status” on the Cape May Beach Patrol. Since Dave was an ex-high school wrestler and high school wrestling coach, a certain guard would always challenge Dave to a little one-on-one match on the beach before the workday began. This one time, Dave managed to put the guard into an over and under arm lock hold that was nearly impossible to break. When the guard continued to fight, Dave then performed his legendary maneuver. He bent back, forming a table with his chest, and in the process lifted the guard off his feet still squirming to escape. Then, Dave flipped the guard over him and on his back into the sand with Dave now on top for the pin. The embarrassed guard never really challenged Dave again after that, and for that matter neither did anyone else.

As an after-breakfast anecdote, Dave told of his early experiences as a lifeguard and how careful we must be with what we think we know. Dave also provided a good question for the up-and- coming “Breakfast with Dave Trivial Pursuit Game”: “Where did Dave first sit as a Lifeguard?” The correct answer: Sea Isle City! And while working on the beach there, Dave was first subjected to the rookie hazing practice of “Tea-Bagging”, which involved having a guard stand out in the cold waist deep water for hours until his genitalia shrink. (Seinfeld Reference #2: The episode about “Shrinkage”)

The next summer, Dave heard of an opening on the Cape May Beach Patrol and became a Cape May guard. A few years later, the Cape May Beach Patrol began hiring female guards and one summer Dave sat with a very attractive LCMR grad who was a rookie at the time. Trying to be funny, Dave mentioned that he was going to “Tea- Bag” her as part of her rookie hazing. Unfortunately for Dave, on the Cape May Beach patrol, the term “Tea- bagging” meant holding the rookie down on the sand face up with someoneʼs genitals over his face, but the victimʼs mouth covered obviously. So when Dave said this to her, she became visibly upset, but not as embarrassed as Dave felt when he found out about the dual meaning of the term!

As Daveʼs little memory-swim back into his lifeguard past ended, the waitress left the check. Since Doug was not with the group, the duty of calculating the check fell to Paul, Dougʼs second. Paul figured that the individual cost for this weekʼs breakfast and impromptu birthday bash was $13.00. Once again the Blue Plate Diner, with its great food and service, provided a comfortable and homey background for another outstanding and memorable ʻBreakfast with Dave.ʼ

So, which one is Dave?

Dave Can’t Hackett

Ocean City, NJ: The movable breakfast feast and Thursday morning soiree otherwise known as ʻBreakfast with Daveʼ made its first road trip of 2012 and “sauntered” (OK Dave?) up the “Stump” Way to Yianniʼs Cafe at 841 Asbury Avenue in downtown Ocean City. Bert Kern, Dave Smith, Ed Sherretta, Paul Mathis, Jim Colubiale, Eddie Jurewicz, and Doug “D” Letterman gathered for some great food and good fun.

Yianniʼs menu offered all the basic elements for a great breakfast. From eggs to pancakes, Yianniʼs menu covers them all. However, the moist, fluffy omelets, thick as a steak, had to be the best the group has yet to see or taste. For those who like a taste of everything, Yianniʼs Favorite (2 eggs any way, 2 pancakes or french toast, 2 strips of bacon, one sausage, home fries, fruit, toast and jelly) would more than adequately fill the bill. The coffee and tea were bottomless, and once Trish, the waitress, caught on to the conclaveʼs caffeine cravings, a mug went rarely unfilled.

Trish patiently took the groupʼs orders and sent them off to the kitchen as everyone began to savor that first sip of coffee and tea, especially fine after a little morning drive. Bert mentioned that he had discovered how to borrow library books to read on his Kindle. However, when he went to apply for the library card, he was told that he owed $28 for a lost book from over 5 years ago for which he had no recollection. The best Bert could figure is that one of his sons took a book out on his card and then never returned it. For all Bert knows, the book could be under his kidʼs bed. No sooner did Bert say this, but Dave, Jim and Paul repeated, “TROPIC OF CANCER” in unison, which, at 9:35 AM, was the earliest Seinfeld reference of the new year, alluding to the episode where Jerry is hounded by NY Library Cop Mr. Bookman for a twenty-five year old over due fine. This made Bert “Joy Boy II”.

Bert had even more to share about his recent trip to Woodstock to see a Levon Helm “concert in the barn” just recently. Both Jim and Eddie J saw Levon Helm at the Greek in Los Angeles a few summers ago and knew of these concerts. Back then, Eddieʼs son Chris told them that after Levonʼs battle with throat cancer, his daughter arranged for local musicians to come over and play with her father in their barn as part of his therapy. This snowballed into an album or two, Dirt Farmer and Electric Dirt, and the consequent concert tour. Now, once a month Levon Helm gives a performance in his barn, which is set up to hold about 100 to 150 people, guaranteeing a very intimate show. Dave asked Bert if what he had heard about the barn as actually a part of Helmʼs home was true. Bert verified that the bathroom even had toothbrushes and toiletries just like any other home bathroom. Dave then wanted to know if Bert looked inside Levonʼs medicine cabinet, which became the second Seinfeld reference of the morning, alluding to the episode where Jerry looks inside his girlfriendʼs medicine cabinet and finds a cream for fungus. Bert re-interrupted to point out that the concert was awesome.

As Trish delivered the food, Dave wanted to know if anyone saw Tom Hanks tell a Buddy Hackett joke on David Letterman the other night. According to Dave, Tom Hanks can really do a great job of imitating Hackettʼs joke telling abilities. However, Dave was having trouble remembering the joke he told and asked for some help. Paul asked if the joke was about a duck. Dave wasnʼt quite sure so he asked Paul to tell the joke:

A man from the city went hunting out in the country. He shoots this duck which hits the roof of a barn and slides into the yard of a local farmer. The hunter climbs over the fence to retrieve his duck when the farmer confronts him. “What are you doinʼ on my property?”

The hunter answers, “Iʼm retrieving the duck I just shot.” The farmer remains steadfast. The hunter then says, “Listen, cut me a break. Iʼm from the city and Iʼve been hunting now for two days. This was the first duck I had the chance to take in all that time. Canʼt you let me keep it?” The farmer says, “So youʼre from the city? I guess they donʼt know about property and what that means over there. Well, I tell you what. Iʼll give you a chance to have the duck. We will settle this ʻCountry Styleʼ.”

The hunter asks, “What is ʻCounty Styleʼ?” The farmer explains that they each kick the other in the groin until only one of them is still standing.” The Hunter agrees and the farmer decides to go first. The farmer reels off and kicks the hunter square in the groin, leaving the hunter writhing in pain for nearly a half hour. When he finally pulls himself together, he says to the farmer in a quavering voice, “Now, itʼs my turn!” The farmer says, “Thatʼs OK. You can keep the duck!”

After Dave stopped laughing, he was quick to point out that this was not the joke Hanks told the other night. Offering an alternative Hackett joke, Jim asked if Dave could remember whether or not the joke was about a dentist. Unfortunately, Dave couldnʼt remember that either, but he wanted to hear Jimʼs Buddy Hackett joke anyway. Jim prefaced his telling of the joke by explaining he remembered watching Johnny Carson when Hackett was on one night. When the show returned from a commercial, Carson, McMahon, and the entire studio audience were in the middle of a riotous bout of laughter over a joke that Hackett just told during the break. Carson then said that it was a shame that the home audience was denied the chance to hear the joke because the censors would not let Hackett tell it without ʻbleepingʼ him. So, Carson challenged Hackett to tell a joke that would not provoke the censors. This was the joke he told:

A Dentist says to his woman patient, “Looks like youʼre gonna need root canal.”
The woman says, “Oh my God, Iʼd rather have a baby!”
The Dentist answers, “Well, in that case, make up your mind. Iʼve got to adjust the chair.”

Dave thought that this too was a decent joke, but it was not the one he heard the other night on Letterman. But Dave did admit that he now has two more good jokes to forget. So, as the dishes were cleared and Trisha poured yet another round of coffee and tea, Bert changed the subject to an incident of his college-days, which he still remembers all too vividly, when he was arrested for “crapulous and disruptive” behavior in a small Kentucky town. In laymanʼs terms, he was quite drunk. Bert said when the judge was introduced as “Squire Toby Jack Justice”, he knew that he was not in New Jersey any more. After several failed attempts to contact his parents in The Garden State, he was forced to spend two nights in a holding cell in the town Police Station until his mom could come down from New Jersey to bail him out. At the hearing, as if to impress Bertʼs mom, the judge commented that keeping young people off the local streets and away from alcohol in this town is his duty. As they left the court room, while Bert fought to restrain his mother from attacking the Venerable Squire Toby Jack Justice, Bert could only think that the judgeʼs REAL purpose was to ensure that no outsider consumed any alcohol meant for him and his good ole Kentucky boy buddies.

As Trish cleared the table and left the check, Ed Sherretta mentioned that he watched Woodstock the other day on the TV. As the group began to offer up favorite moments from the film, Doug lifted his head from figuring the bill to calmly point out that he was there! Yes, the groupʼs own Doug “D” Letterman experienced perhaps the most defining moment of our generation. Doug pointed out that he was at the lake where they filmed all the nude bathing for the film but not on the day of the filming. He also told of how he led another concert goer to a secret parking area on the backside of the stage. Coming up over the ridge and seeing the stage towers and the half million people out in front of it must have been awe inspiring to say the least. And so the groupʼs conversation had gone full circle. By the time Doug had figured out the individual total, Trish had brought the owner out to the table to meet the group. Everyone told him how great the food was, especially the omelets, and how at home the group felt in his colorful and comfortable cafe. The bill for this weekʼs feast was $13.00, but the memories and good times remained priceless.

So, which oneʼs Dave?

Back to the Garden

West Cape May, NJ: To Celebrate the first Thursday morning soiree of 2012, ʻBreakfast with Daveʼ, or the longest established, permanent floating breakfast in South Jersey, came home to the Bella Vida Garden Cafe on Broadway in West Cape May. A little overnight surprise snow squall had everyone awakening to almost an 1/2 inch on their cars. This is two days after the high temperature hit 68 degrees! Despite these extremes (or maybe because of them), Paul Mathis, Lynn Massimiano, Dave Smith, Ed Sherretta, Jim Colubiale and Eddie Jurewicz began the new year by sharing some eggs, omelets and overall observations on life, the universe and everything.

Bella Vidaʼs unique menu offered many special omelets featuring seafood, as well as all the flavorful fixings to “create your own omelet”. The pancakes were moist and fluffy. To combine both eggs and pancakes, The Bella Vida offered the “Big Kahuna”, 2 eggs, 2 flap jacks, 2 bacon strips, 2 sausages, home fries, small juice and coffee, and the “Little Kahuna”, 2 eggs, 2 sausage filled flap jacks, home fries, small juice and coffee. And not only was the Bella Vida Garden Cafe gluten and vegetarian friendly, but they offered some really fine Costa Rican coffee–always a highlight whenever the caffeine craved ʻBreakfast with Daveʼ entourage descended upon Bella Vida.

Before the coffee could even be poured, the late-arriving Jim mentioned to Dave that he had just read in the Herald about the benefits of Vitamin D and how it can fight against the flu and certain cancers. Daveʼs high levels of Vitamin D (see, “Vitamin Dave: The Best of ʻBreakfast with Daveʼ) might be a good sign. However, Lynn was quick to point out that unlike Vitamin C, Vitamin D is not water soluble and the body must break the vitamin down. Therefore, the high levels might mean that Daveʼs body is not “processing” the vitamin D that well which poses a large health problem. After hearing this, all Jim could say to Dave was that he only brought up the topic to make him feel better but instead now Dave may need to go into “D”- tox! Because of this, Ed Sherretta suggested that this weekʼs breakfast be dedicated as, “Daveʼs ʻBreakfast with Daveʼ Memorial”. Stay tuned for next week when an actual doctor will weigh in on this issue!

After the first round of coffee was poured and Liz, the waitress, took the breakfast orders off to chef Chris in the kitchen, Ed Sherretta asked if everyone had seen that video of the Philadelphia Charter School teacher who went on a rant in the classroom after throwing a student out. Although everyone at the table agreed that what the teacher said was totally unacceptable, and in more than just one way, as teachers the group was interested in what exactly happened to make the man snap like that. Nearly everyone at the table had been pushed to the edge of that abyss at least once in their career. Ed Sherretta offered a story about the first time he realized that the kids today really have no fear. He was covering for another teacher, and this one student kept acting up and ʻnudgingʻ Ed all class. Finally, Ed had enough and decided to intimidate the boy to clam down. So, he casually sits next to the boy and leans forward inviting him to a private conversation, and says very softly so no other students could hear, “Son, do you really want to see me get angry?” And the student responds, “I guess I already have!” The bottom line: Donʼt fight with a skunk!

As Liz served the breakfast, Dave pointed out that he can see this brazen attitude in todayʼs parents. While Dave was attending his grandsonʼs basketball game one time, he unfortunately sat in a crowded gym right in front of a parent who carried on over every little thing that happened on the court to the point that it became irritating. Dave politely asked the man to tone himself down and surprisingly enough the man did indeed calm down, but only until the end of the half. From the second half jump ball, the ranting began. Dave resorted to sending the man “hand” signals to convey his feelings, like flipping him the finger while he apparently scratched the back of his head.

After the rabid fan verbally attacked LCMRʼs tiger mascot, Dave had heard enough and turned to face the man. Paul interrupted Dave at this point to ask if Dave said, “Do you want a piece of me?”, which became the Seinfeld reference of the morning, alluding to the episode that ends with Frank Costanza asking Elaine, “Do you want a piece of me?”.

As the coffee was refilled and everyone had worked their way through their respective breakfast, a local legend stopped by the table to say, “Happy New Year!”. Josey is an 84 year old ex-Cape May Lifeguard who competed in the USLA National Rowing Championships this past summer and still has the upper body of someone who can kick some butt out in the water! Both Dave and Ed agreed that he and his brother were indeed a handful a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. As Ed would attest, Josey can still attract the girls. One time this summer, he told Ed that a twenty-something year old girl “satisfied” him the other night. Ed stressed that Joesy confessed this to him not in a bragging way, but as a simple statement of fact.

Unlike the 84 year old man in Jimʼs joke: A man goes onto the confession booth and tells the priest, “Father, Iʼm 84 years old and last night I made love to two twenty-year-old girls at the same time.” The priest says, “When did you last go to confession?” The man says, “Iʼve never been to confession, Father. Iʼm Jewish.” The priest says, “Then why are you telling me?” The man says, “Iʼm telling everybody!”

As Jim dropped the punch line, Liz dropped the check. Paul figured that each of us owed $15 for this first of the new year feast. As everyone was anteing up their share, Dave announced that he forgot his money (again) and wanted to know from Liz if she would let him return home and come back with the money and a number. Ed Sherretta probably didnʼt like the sound of that ʻdealʼ because he paid for Daveʼs Breakfast to embarrass him even more. What would a ʻBreakfast with Daveʼ be without Dave?

So, from now on, enter the “So, which oneʼs Dave?” contest at the conclusion of each blog by simply correctly identifying Dave in the after Breakfast group shot! Good Luck!

So, which one is Dave?

VITAMIN DAVE: THE BEST OF ʻBREAKFAST WITH DAVEʼ

Cape May Court House, NJ: Steveʼs 47 Cafe at 189 Route 9 in Cape May Court House was the choice for ʻBreakfast with Daveʼsʼ last gathering of 2011. On this last December Thursday, Jim Colubiale, Eddie Jurewicz, Paul Mathis, Dave Smith and Ray “Snowbird” McAlarnen came together to share some great food and good times, with many laughs on the side.
Steveʼs 47 Cafe menu offers the standard breakfast fare of eggs, omelets and pancakes. However, the menu also contains some unique selections like the “Pigs in a blanket” special, Jimʼs favorite, which consists of two eggs, a sausage, and 2 strips of Bacon each wrapped inside their own pancake. The coffee was very fresh and refills were bottomless, and the waitress did a fantastic job of keeping up with the groupʼs caffeine cravings throughout the meal.
With their orders taken and a fresh cup of coffee and tea in their mugs, Dave entertained the group with the
story of the worst job he ever had. But first Paul gave Dave a brief grammar lesson on redundancy by correcting Dave when he described the job as “the most unique”, arguing that the idea of “most” is inherent in the denotative sense of something being unique. Undaunted, but now grammatically enlightened, Dave continued the story.
Since Dave was a very competitive high school athlete in both wresting and track, he thought that he should work a summer job that would give him a chance to toughen his then 130-pound frame. So, Dave decided that he would work for a landscaping and construction company, and he along with two other wrestlers were given the task of taking full sized railroad ties and drilling spikes into them with a jack hammer. Not only did Dave have trouble hitting the head of the spike with the jack hammer, but he was having even more trouble holding the machine steady when it wasn’t even hammering! Dave lasted about three days. Paul couldnʼt help but laugh because the mental picture of a teenage Dave using a jack hammer brought to Paulʼs mind the image of George Costanza using a jack hammer to find his Phil Rizzuto key chain. “Holy cow!”, the first Seinfeld reference of the morning came early.
Dave also told the group the secret that has kept him lifeguarding all these years. In the summer, the winds
blow off the ocean more than they do any other direction which puts the wind right in the face of the guards on top of their stands. After five hours of withstanding these winds, guards would wear sweatsuits and hoodies to keep themselves warm even when the air temperatures were relatively warm. Dave was even thinking of quitting lifeguarding altogether until his stand partner back then taught him a neat job-saving trick. First, each stand was (and still is) supplied with a beach umbrella. Next, his stand partner took a sheet and proceeded to tie the bottom ends on the back legs of the stand and then pull the top of the sheet over the umbrella, creating a half dome over the top of the stand. Then, the top corners were tied to the front sides of the stand. Miraculously, after the dome filled, the air inside became calm and warmed considerably, making a once intolerable situation not only bearable but enjoyable. Through the miracle of physics, Dave was able to remain a lifeguard for 23 years.

Once the food arrived, Dave still had more to confide to the group. His last two blood tests have shown that Dave has unusually high levels of vitamin “D”, and he wanted to know if anyone in the group knew what this could mean. No one really knew for sure, but Paul jokingly mentioned that this could be a sign of Lupus, which became our second Seinfeld reference of the morning, alluding to the episode where George has a white growth on his lip and when the doctor says he doesn’t know what it is, George questions, “Is it Lupus?” Jim thought that the “D” here could mean “Dave” and that the high levels of “D” simply mean that Dave is full of himself.
As if to take his mind off the elevated “D” levels, Dave began to tell a joke. “A married couple in the back of a cab are talking about….”, he began before stopping short after realizing that he had forgotten what the couple was supposed to be talking about. This was vintage Dave Smith joke telling! As Paul pointed out, whatʼs funny isn’t that Dave forgot the joke, but how he made forgetting the punch line the joke itself.
Throughout breakfast several individuals from LCMR were spotted dining in the Cafe. One of the old janitors was eating at the counter when the group entered, and a female alumni, Barb Schick (class of ʼ82), ate with her husband at the table next to the group. When asked to identify the members of the group, the only person she thought she remembered was Dave. However, when the group asked her for a name, she responded, “John Wilsey?” A more recent male alumni came over to the table to say, “Happy New Year” and asked about Jimʼs youngest son AJ. Finally, Whistling Bill – the Bus Driver came over to join in on the fun for a moment or two. Dave wanted to know if he still had the ponies he would rent out for kiddie rides in the spring, summer and fall, and Bill responded affirmatively pointing out that he was – at this very moment – in the process of hauling some manure. This discussion inevitably led to the Jerry Seinfeld pony remark when he told his second cousin Manya at her 50th Anniversary dinner that he hated ponies and anyone who had a pony, which became the third Seinfeld reference of the morning.
As the empty dishes were bused from the table and the group savored yet another cup of fresh, hot coffee and tea, they figured that the individual tab for this weekʼs pre-New Yearʼs Eve feast would be $11.00. As everyone kicked in their share, Jim offered an end of the year Ten Best ʻBreakfast with Daveʻ moments from the past year of posting on “BreakfastwithDave.wordpress.com”:

1. Gene Sole visits ʻBreakfast with Daveʻ to return the bottle of “Wild Turkey: Rare Breed”. “Blue Plate Special”
2. The Toast to Gene. “Semper Fi”
3. The check incident. “Waiting for the Sun”
4. ʻBreakfast with Daveʼ reaches banquet status. “Steveʼs Dirty Dozen”
5. The first female ʻBreakfast with Daveʼ celebrant. “Day of Firsts at the Midtown Diner”
6. The youngest ʻBreakfast with Daveʼ participant. “Breakfast with Blake”
7. The most memorable ʻBreakfast with Daveʼ venue. “The Tuckahoe Family Diner: The Unpetables”
8. The most Seinfeld references. “Breakfast with a Side of Tun Tavern”
9. Most readers in one day. “Coming Full Circle at the Back Bay Bistro”
10. Best post about Iron Man Dave. “Eddie and Jimʼs Iron Man Dave Adventure”

HAPPY NEW YEAR FROM ʻBREAKFAST WITH DAVEʼ!

Which one is Dave?

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS ARE MY PANCAKES

Cape May, NJ: Since no room was available at the Inn of Cape May, ʻBreakfast with Daveʼ had to plod the streets of Cape May looking for a place to celebrate its pre-Christmas gathering. Luckily, the group came upon Hemingwayʼs in the Grand Hotel along Beach Drive in Cape May. And so, on this pre-winter solstice morning, Jim Colubiale, Lynn Massimiano, Dave Smith, Eddie Jurewicz, Wayne Mazurek, Jim Ridgeway, John Wilsey, Bill Garrison, Ed Sherretta, Ray McAlarnen, Bert Kern and Paul “Whereʼs MY breakfast?” Mathis gathered in the Christmas spirit to share some good food and give birth to some fun times amidst Hemingwayʼs festive Christmas decor, which created a great atmosphere for a pre-Christmas breakfast.

The breakfast menu was simple but contained all the basic elements, like eggs, omelets, pancakes and waffles. In fact, the menu offered a special called The Grand Breakfast, which included 2 eggs, 2 pancakes, 2 sausages, and 2 strips of bacon for the breakfast goer who wants a little bit of everything. The coffee and tea was fresh and bottomless, which has always been a prerequisite for all ʻBreakfast with Daveʼ gatherings.

As the twelve settled into their first cups of coffee and tea, Bert told a story of how he almost appeared on one of those TV reality shows. A TV reality show about High School Administrators picked Bert to be one of the administrators highlighted in an up and coming show. The show would give the school $1,000, and the school would make an additional $1,000 for every time the show was aired in syndication. However, the school higher-ups told Bert no because they were afraid the show would make Bert, and subsequently the school, look foolish or silly. Bert, who would not go down without a fight, argued his point by asking how can the show make him look foolish? They responded that the show could very well film him eating and then film him eating again to make it look like all he does is stuff his face with food all day at school. This became the Seinfeld reference of the morning, alluding to the episode where George is filmed making an utter pig of himself trying to inhale an ice cream sundae while at a tennis match. The higher-ups were on to something there.

Just as Bert finished narrating about his near brush with stardom, his cell phone rang. The school was calling him to come into work because one of the administrators was absent. They had no idea that he was already in Cape May, so Bert told them that he would arrive at the school in about an hour so he could eat his breakfast, which he had just ordered, with not too much of a rush. Once Bert hung up, he looked at everyone and said in his best Al Pacino “Just when I think Iʼm out, they pull me back in!”. Since Bert was dressed in his official ʻBreakfast with Daveʼ Martin guitar T-shirt, the gang teased him by suggesting that he should arrive at school and work “undercover.”

The waitress hurried Bertʼs order so that he could eat and run. While Bert was eating and the rest of the group sucked down another cup of coffee or tea, Ed Sherretta told a high school football story about Coach Wilsey (Johnʼs dad). During one particular game, the opposing team literally brutalized the Cape May players throughout the game. Near the end of the contest, all hell broke lose and the game ended in an all out brawl. In class that next Monday, Coach Wilsey was reviewing the events of the game that led to such an embarrassing ending, and he kept asking Sherretta to back him up by saying, “Isnʼt that right, Sherretta?”. However, at one point, poor Ed just couldn’t contain himself any longer and blurted out, “But coach, you weren’t out on the field to see what they were doing to us!”. Hearing this, coach Wilseyʼs short fuse ignited, and he physically threw Ed out of his classroom!

By the conclusion of Edʼs story, the food had arrived and everyone began to dig in to their respective meals, except for Paul who waited patiently for his pancakes. As if to distract Paul from his missing flapjacks, Ed told another story involving Coach Wilsey, but this one was about the baseball team. The team had just lost a rather close game and were heading home on the bus when Coach Wilsey, whom the team had nicknamed “Turtle“, and his assistant Norm Weinberg, whom the team dubbed “Porky” (both for obvious physical characteristics), saw what they thought to be a player who was not taking the loss seriously enough. They both came down upon the player rather hard, threatening to have the entire team run laps when the bus arrived home. No one parties after a loss! When the bus arrived back at Lower Cape May Regional, the player gained access to the schoolʼs PA and announced throughout the Schoolʼs empty hallways that the team would be having a little “get together” later – a meal of turtle soup and pork chops. What Coach Wilsey did then would have been grounds for dismissal even back then! And we’ll leave it at that.

Finally, Paulʼs blueberry pancakes arrived! When J9er questioned what Paul had ordered for them to take so long in preparing, Paul responded that he ordered the Godot Pancakes. So, to keep him entertained through his much anticipated brunch, ʻBreakfast with Daveʻ presented Dave with some thoughtful holiday gift suggestions for the man who really does have everything:

•  New clothing and accessories. Physical deterioration has resulted in an increase of size (for specific sizes refer to Daveʼs memos of yearsʼ past, specifically the Vitruvian Man memo). Curiously though, Daveʼs hat size has decreased.
• Any chain letter that could lead to financial security or any time-share sales pitch that would result in a bogus but gratis vacation in the Congo.
• A gross of reading glasses. +1.75 – at least.
• A library card for every library in Cape May County signed by Mr. Bookman.
• A life time supply of vitamin D.

And last but not least…

•  A beachcomberʼs metal detector!

By the time the check arrived, Paul had finally finished the last of his pancakes. They were soooo godot! Lynn then tallied the bill for this weekʼs Christmas feast at $14.00. What is more important is that 12 retired teachers and friends came together at Christmas to share some good times and great memories. Todayʼs tip is: Have a very Merry Christmas!

Yule Be Naughty and Nice

Cape May Court House, NJ: On this sunny and mild ides of December Thursday, the ʻBreakfast with Daveʼ moveable feast and morning soiree convened at Clareyʼs Country Corner Restaurant on West Hereford and Route 9 in Cape May Court House for some food and holiday mirth (no Dave, not myrrh). This week, Jim Colubiale, Doug “D” Letterman, Bill Noe, Jim Ridgeway, Wayne Mazurek, John Wilsey, Paul Mathis, Dave Smith and Eddie Jurewicz gathered to enjoy some scrambled eggs, omelets and old school memories.

Clareyʼs menu had something for every breakfast lover with prices that were more than reasonable. Clareyʼs still offered a 2-2-2 breakfast (2 eggs, 2 pancakes, 2 pieces of bacon) for $2.22 before 9 AM. The omelets were served moist and fluffy and the pancakes, as advertised, are “the best in the county”. The coffee was fresh and kept following throughout the breakfast.

As the waitress was patiently taking our orders, she couldn’t help but to ask why Dave was wearing his sunglasses indoors. Dave explained that his sinuses have been so bad that his eyes actually hurt, his shades lessened this pain. When the waitress then commented that the sunglasses were a good look for him, Paul interrupted her and pointed out that the glasses had silver womenʼs frames on them which became the Seinfeld reference of the morning, alluding to the episode where George inadvertently buys womanʼs frames to replace his lost glasses.

While we waited for the food to arrive, we enjoyed another round of coffee and tea as well as Wayneʼs story about the ultimate Christmas train set. According to Wayne, many years ago some corporate executive created a train set display for the employees and their families, which he set up in an enormous company storage room, slowly adding to the layout year after year until two tractor trailers were needed to move the whole setup. Then, as luck would have it, the company released the executive, but he somehow managed to keep the trains. He then purchased a house where the 60 train set layout was housed. One Christmas holiday, while Wayne was home between semesters and was looking for some money, he read a help wanted add for someone to operate and maintain a train layout. Since Wayne already had an interest in model railroading, he decided to check out the job. “How hard could it be? Itʼs model trains!”, he thought. When he arrived at the house, he stepped through the front door and directly into a 60 train layout that covered nearly every inch of the entire first floor! So Wayne spent that Christmas break keeping 60 moving sets of trains from hitting each other to the delight of the young and old alike. Whatʼs Christmas without trains?

As Wayne was finishing his story, Jim Ridgeway noticed Dave taking all the unused table settings still left on the table. Daveʼs sinuses were so bad that he ran out of tissues and needed the paper napkin wrapper for his nose. J9er thought that Dave was taking them home as some sort of stocking stuffer. However, Dave did want to keep everyone up to date with his exploits in library land. In his never ending attempt to find a library where he doesn’t owe money, Dave is now using the Wildwood Crest Library as a temporary hide out. Stay tuned for The Further Adventures of Joy Boy.

Once the food arrived and everyone settled into their particular breakfast, Wayne spiked a whole new level of conversation by commenting, “Oh, the things we got away with at the school!” This one statement elicited the rendering of a catalog of stories that lasted well into the groupʼs post-breakfast coffee and tea.

The first incident involved Dave (of course), but J9er told the story. Once upon a time, Ridgewayʼs TV/Film class was planning a little day-in-the-life video biography of Matt Szczur, whose jersey’s (both football and baseball)  were retired at half-time of a Lower Cape May Regional girls basketball game on December 21, for that monthʼs BIG SHOW. One scene the students still needed to do for the video was a sequence of Matt getting on the school bus early in the morning. Pressed for time, Ridgeway went to Daveʼs room and told him his situation and asked if he would be able to grab a bus and drive over to Mattʼs house for the filming that period. Even though Dave had a class of his own that period, he agreed, and proceeded to take the keys for a bus and go without even asking or signing out the bus. The bus pulled up to Mattʼs house, with Dave’s entire class aboard. Dave said that when he told the class what he was about to do, they all wanted to be a part of the video. Besides, Dave added, the kids on the bus provided some verisimilitude to the scene. And this was all captured on film!

Wayne added his little lumber tale. To ensure that all of the lumber needed for his wood shop classes arrived on time for the beginning of September, he worked out a deal with the Superintendent. The deal was that he would personally drive up to New Hampshire and pick up the wood the week before school and deliver it back to school with his truck. The Super agreed, and one time Wayne managed to turn this yearly August jaunt in a weekend getaway. Once when the weather was just too beautiful to leave to return for the opening days of school, Wayne called the Super and said that since some of the wood did not come in yet, would he allow him to remain until it does to avoid having it shipped to the school later. Since the days Wayne would miss were only in-service days, the Super gave him a green light, and he and Kathy had magnificent weekend in the mountains.

Eddie J then confided that he was banned from B-Hallway, the English Wing (except for renegades Susan, Paul, and Madeline). This came about from Eddieʼs customary free period habit of becoming a graveyard ghost patrolling the wing. He always wanted to belong to the English Department because he admired how they “agreed to disagree”. Eddie would even do “pop-ins” from time to time as well, which is the second Seinfeld reference of the morning, alluding to the how Kramer, George and Elaine just pop-in on Jerry. Once Eddie popped into Jimʼs English class while the class listened to Tom Waitsʻ Shiver Me Timbers, and gave his thumbs up. However, someone complained about these pop-ins, and he was told in so many words to stay out of B hallway.

As the breakfast plates were cleared and more coffee and tea made its way around the table, J9er confessed one of his greatest fears when he was a young teacher. His classroom was along the main hallway next to the faculty lounge and restrooms, which was science teacher Jack Maxwellʼs room for many years before J9er took it over for his business classes after phase I of the schoolʼs facelift. Even though he was right next door to the bathroom, he felt uncomfortable just leaving his class to answer natureʼs call. His imagination would run away with him while he would be on the throne, or as J9er would say, “Putting one through the hoop”. He would imagine that a fight would break out in his room, and he would have to answer for what happened.

So, he came up with a plan.

If he would ever come back into the room and see studentʼs fighting, he said he would just fall down to the floor like he was shot and grab his back, all the while screaming for the nurse. Jimmy C interrupted to tell everyone that this very situation happened to him. While he was in the hallway performing his between class hall duty police action, he heard chairs overturn and screaming voices from within his room. Entering his room, he walked into full blown brawl between two of his students. Luckily, he was able to disengage the combatants and have the situation under control before the disciplinarian arrived on the scene. One of the first questions he was asked about the incident was why he was not in his classroom at the time. Jimmy C had to remind him that the fight took place during the 4 min passing time, and he was required to be on hall duty which was enough for the administrator to stop asking any more questions. So, not only do teachers have to know everything, but they have to be everywhere as well.

As the bill was delivered, everybody at the table remembered Bill Noeʼs authentic fully functional Indian sweat lodge which he erected next to the marine biology annex out in back of the school before all the major renovations were made back there. Many of the faculty at the time took advantage of the lodge at Billʼs insistence. Wayne then remembered that both he and Bill once persuaded the Super to buy a 40 foot sailboat, have it transported to LCMR campus, and allow Wayneʼs wood shop classes and Billʼs marine science classes to restore the boat as a course requirement.

The cost for this weekʼs feast and tell came to $10.00, which included a really nice holiday tip for our very attentive waitress. However, before the money could be forked over, Jim surprised everyone with a ʻBreakfast with Daveʼ Christmas present, a conch shell hand painted by his Dad in LCMR traditional colors of Columbia blue, black and gold. What a great way to cap off another memorable gathering. But now only 8 shopping days are left to find a present for Dave.

Breakfast with Blake

Seaville, NJ: Grandpa told me he was taking me on an adventure this morning. He said weʼre going to Dinoʼs for ʻBreakfast with Daveʼ, but it looked nothing like Fred and Wilmaʼs cave in Bedrock; looked like a diner to me. Either way, it was perfect timing because I was getting a little hungry as we entered. Before we met the group, my Grandpa whispered that he hadn’t told anyone about my coming to ʻBreakfast with Daveʼ because he wanted it to be a surprise, so he carried me to the end of this big, long ʻBreakfast with Daveʼ table in the middle of this huge room with a whole lot of people sitting around it, and announces, “This, everyone, is Blake!” Then, he introduced me to each person beginning with the one person who was different from all the others, Janice. Next was Jim, who said he remembered me when I was half my size. Next to him was Doug. Next to Doug was Eddie J and at the end of that side of the table was another Jim, Jim Ridgeway or JR, who looked like he was already having a good time. Across from JR, was Bill Noe and next to him was Dave, the man himself, and I must be honest, I wasn’t really that impressed. Next to him was Bert, but he didn’t bring Ernie with him, and then, of course, Grandpa Mathis.

This man with a pad and pencil came with my own “special” chair which placed me right at the head of the table and right next to the person who looks so much different from the others. I thanked him, but I don’t think he heard me. As my Grandpa filled my bowl with Cheerios, the man with the pad and pencil took an order from each of the people at the table. Then, he poured this black stuff into their cups which they seemed to really enjoy. So, I asked my Grandpa for my juice, and I joined in on the drinking.

I heard my Grandpa say to everyone, “I brought Blake with me this week because YOU HAVE TO SEE THE BABY!” Everyone to laughed and began talk about something called Seinfeld. I personally didnʼt think it was THAT funny. Funnier than that was Dave trying not to say anything I shouldnʼt hear. Meanwhile, I was so distracted by this Janice person (who smelled just a nice as see looked) that quite a few Cheerios never made it to my mouth. Through all the different sounds coming my way from the table, I made out the word “airplane” from the other end. I like airplanes. I wished for Santa to give me a book about them for Christmas this year. JR was telling a story about a man who owns and flies his own single engine plane. How cool!? Unless, of course, the plane gets hit by a storm of dust forcing the pilot to climb higher than legally allowed to save his life. Then, Bert without Ernie mentioned something about a Dinoʼs he visited while he was stationed in Germany. I wonder if thatʼs where Fred and Wilmaʼs cave is?

The man with the pad and pencil came back again with the food and more of the black stuff everyone wanted more of. Just the sight of all the eggs and omelets and pancakes made me want my chips, so I gave my pop-pop the “sign”, and he filled my bowl with my second course. In between mouthfuls, I heard everyone laughing and when I focus in I saw they were all laughing at Dave. I couldn’t understand what made him so funny? Iʼd much rather be irresistible and flirt with Janice.

As everyone ate their meals, Dave told what I thought was a joke about two elderly married people. Dave said that an elderly married couple were having coffee together when the husband says to his wife, “If I should die first, I want you to take all my stuff and sell it.” When the wife asks why, he answers, “Since I would hope that you would remarry, I donʼt want some asshole using any of my stuff.” To which the wife replies, “Like Iʼm going to marry another asshole!” Everyone laughed, but I didnʼt get it. Why would anyone want to marry an asshole? Nothing any good comes out of there anyway.

My Grandpa couldnʼt help but match that joke with one of his own. He told of yet another elderly couple who were watching TV one night, and the husband asks his wife if she wants a milkshake. “Sure,” she says, and the husband goes into the kitchen to prepare his concoction. While he’s working, the wife yells to him, “Donʼt forget the extra chocolate syrup.” “OK,” he replies. “You could put some whipped cream on top,” she adds. “Iʼm on it,” he shouts from the kitchen. “Make sure you put a cherry on top as well,” her final request. About 20 minutes later, the husband brings her bacon and eggs. The wife looks at the bacon and eggs, looks back at the husband and said, “What? No toast?” Everyone seemed to like my Grandpaʼs story. Maybe thatʼs why there were trays of toast still left all over the table.

After the man with the pad and pencil came yet again and removed all the empty dishes, he left a piece of paper with me that had all these letters and numbers all over it. Everybody thought it was really a scream, but I only had cheerios. And I brought them with me! Funny or not, I wasnʼt paying this. Besides, Iʼm a little short right now anyhow. You know, with the Holiday season and all that. So, I gave the bill to my Grandpa who in turn sent it to Doug, the groupʼs official calculator. While Doug was doing his calculating thing, I called the man with the pad and pencil to come over to me so I could tell him my favorite butler joke, which goes something like this:

“Jeeves, did you put fresh water in the fish bowl?” And Jeeves says, “Why? He didnʼt drink up what I gave him last night!”

While I was telling my story, Grandpa dressed me for the trip outside to the car and then home. As I was bundled up for the weather, I couldnʼt help but think, “So, this is what a ʻBreakfast with Daveʼ is all about.” Not bad. I guess Iʼll have to wait about 55 years to start my own, or just hitch a ride with my Grandpa to the next one. But for now, God bless us, everyone!

By the way, only 17 more shopping days remain to get a present for Dave, and he really looks like he needs something special this year!

The Wild, the Innocent and the ʻBreakfast with Daveʼ Shuffle

West Cape May, NJ: On this first day of December 2011, ʻBreakfast with Daveʼ brought its moveable feast and Thursday morning soiree to the Bella Vida Garden Cafe on Broadway in West Cape May, a long time favorite of the group. This week, Paul Mathis, Mac McConnell, John Wilsey, Ed Sherretta, Dave Smith, Eddie Jurewicz, and first timer, Janice Gallagher, – a fellow English teacher at the high school with Paul and Jim – convened for some eggs, grits and good times.

As Chris Monge, the owner and operator of Bella Vida, told the group, the Cafe menu continues to offer something for nearly every discerning breakfast goer, including delicious fluffy “Ultimate” omelets as well as fruit filled pancakes and Belgian, multigrain or sweet potato waffles. Over and above the many healthy and wholesome breakfast offerings, Bella Vida also offers their own custom roasted fair trade organic Costa Rican coffee, which has always been (and still is) a ʻBreakfast with Daveʼ favorite. Our waitress, Liz, was quick to serve the gang copious dosages of this dark roasted beverage all breakfast long.

After our orders were taken, the group discovered it was our waitressʼ birthday, and serenaded her with their unique rendition of “Happy Birthday” to the embarrassment of Liz and the enjoyment of all the breakfast goers in the dinning area at the time, who chimed in for the final two lines of the song.

As the Costa Rican coffee started to do its magic, Ed Sherretta broke the ice and told a story about a time when he and few of his friends were hitchhiking through Europe. While walking through the streets of Amsterdam, they came upon a beautiful and voluptuous blonde dancing naked in a window display. They were so focused on the dancer in the raw that one of the group literally walked right off the street and into the nearby river! When several of the locals witnessed this happen, they started screaming “typhoid, typhoid!” because the water was extremely polluted. With the help of some of the locals, they fished the wayward American out of the water in a flash. Ed Sherretta added that he and his friends had all the necessary shots before leaving as a precaution, but he never thought they needed them as protection from themselves! Speaking of hitchhiking, Dave shared an experience he had when he was in college. He and a friend accepted a ride from a mysterious man in a dark sedan. Dave sat in the back while his friend rode shotgun. After a while, Dave saw his friend reel off and sock the man right in the face! With his glasses askew and his face welting from the hit, he asked both of them to leave the car immediately. When Dave asked his friend what happened, he told him that the guy grabbed his balls! Hearing this, Paul wanted to know if “it” moved. Thus, we had our first Seinfeld reference of the morning, alluding to the episode where a male masseuse gives George a massage. And then the food arrived.

After the meals were distributed and Liz poured another round of coffee and tea for the group, Jim picked up on the hitchhiking theme and told of the time he and his Alpha Sigma Phi pledge brothers were “abducted” one Saturday night and transported to Wheeling West Virginiaʼs Bethany College. Jim went on to point out that they were left there with no money and no way home. So, they made their way to the local Alpha Sig fraternity house to seek refuge from the cold October night looming ahead. The Bethany Brothers made them an offer they couldn’t refuse. They said that they could stay the night if they helped work on the fraternityʼs homecoming float. So, for the remainder of that night, the three of them stuffed red and white Kleenex into a 6 foot wire frame that spelled “Alpha Sigma Phi”. Then, bright and early the next morning, the three set out to hitch hike back to Pittsburgh. They had only been thumbing for about 15 minutes when these two girls driving a Ford mustang saw them and pulled over. After all three were in the car, the girls asked where they were headed and once the girls were told, they decided to drive the trio all the way back to the campus! Jim pointed out that their return was so quick that they amazed their future brothers by beating them to the fraternityʼs breakfast table at Duquesneʼs Student Union.

Ed Sherretta then attempted to fill Janice in on just how crazy and wild Bill Garrison was in his younger days simply because he was fearless. To provide an example of this for Janice, Dave told the story of returning from Atlantic City with four other teachers via the Parkway when Billy chucked an empty beer bottle out the passenger window and tried to “hook shot” the bottle into the coin basket at one of the toll stops. He missed and the bottle shattered all over the toll booth. Not even a mile later, the State police pulled the car over. Dave pointed out that once the police saw the condition of everyone in the car, they took the group to a nearby State Police station where the police questioned Billy as to how much he had to drink. Bill answered that he had a least a case of beer and 30 rum and cokes, which, Dave added, was basically half of his capacity. The police then told the other four to leave the room while Bill made his phone call. A little while later, Bill emerged from the room and told everyone that they were free to go. To this day, Dave has no idea who Billy called or how he got them out of that fix.

After the dishes were cleared and yet another round of coffee and tea washed down a really terrific breakfast, Janice asked John Wilsey what he’d been up to since he retired and he mentioned that every Christmas holiday he travels to Hawaiiʼs North Shore of Oahu to do some surfing at Sunset Beach. When Dave heard John say ʻHawaiiʼ, he had to tell his story about an argument he had with his wife over whether or not ʻHawaiiʻ is actually pronounced ʻHavaiiʼ. To settle their disagreement, Dave said that they agreed to ask a man they saw along the Cape May Mall to settle the argument. So, Dave approached the man and asked him whether the island state is pronounced ʻHawaiiʻ or ʻHavaiiʼ. The man never hesitated and responded, ʻHavaiiʼ. Dave thanked the man who then said, “Youʼre very vellcome!”

Undaunted by Daveʼs side-bar, John then mentioned that in a few weeks he would be traveling down to wild and wacky Key West for yet another National Sailing Competition. Janice, jumping right into the conversation, agreed that Key West is very much an off the wall kind of place. She went on to tell of how she and her husband went to a local bar down there and saw a man at the bar with his dog that was calmly sipping from a beer which the bartender had placed right in front of him. When Jim heard Janice tell her story, he couldn’t help but tell the following joke:

“A man goes into a bar with his dog and asks for a drink. The bartender says, “You canʼt bring that dog in here!” The guy, without missing a beat, says, “This is my seeing-eye dog.”

“Oh, Iʼm sorry man,” says the bartender. “Here, the first oneʼs on me.” The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks into the bar with a dog. The first guy stops him and says, “You canʼt bring that dog in here unless you tell him itʼs a seeing-eye dog.” The second man graciously thanks him, continues to the bar, and asks for a drink. The bartender says,

“Hey, you canʼt bring that dog in here!”

The man replies, “This is my seeing-eye dog.”

The bartender says, “No, I donʼt think so. They donʼt use Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs.”

The man pauses for a half-second and replies, “What?!!? They gave me a Chihuahua?!?”

As the joke unfolded at the table, Liz delivered the check, and with Doug “D” Calculator absent, the deciphering of the individual cost for this weekʼs feast fell to Paul who quickly tabulated that the cost for each was $16.00, which included a sizable birthday tip for Liz. So, the oldest, established, permanent floating breakfast in South Jersey adjourned until next week with a reminder: only 24 more shopping days remain for everyone to buy Dave a Christmas gift!

Memories and Memos

Somers Point, NJ: On this mild but overcast November Wednesday, ʻBreakfast with Daveʼ, the oldest, established, permanent floating breakfast in South Jersey, made a road trip up the Garden State Stumpway to break bread at the Breakfast Shop at 910 Bay Avenue in Somers Point. Since a Thanksgiving breakfast was not possible, the group decided to gather on Wednesday for some pre- Thanksgiving omelets and anecdotes. In attendance for this last November ʻBreakfast with Daveʼ were: Eddie Jurewicz, Bert Kern, Dave Smith, Ray McAlarnen, Paul Mathis and Jim Colubiale.

The Breakfast Shop, a favorite haunt for the locals who actually become mad in the summer when they have to wait for a table, is situated right on the water with the main dining area overlooking the Little Egg Harbor Inlet and the Rt. 52 cause way bridge. On this particular Wednesday, the locals were out in force causing the ʻBreakfast with Daveʼ gang to sit at a table in a back dining area. The menu offers everything from omelets to pancakes as well as eggs done every-which-way a hungry breakfaster could want. The menu also had a few daily specials, like The Breakfast Shop Slam which offered two eggs, two pancakes and two pieces of meat.

As the group began to sip on their first of several cups of coffee and tea, Paul unveiled his new “Martin” shirt. The unofficial ʻBreakfast with Daveʼ T-shirt is a Martin Guitar shirt which Eddie J supplied to mostly everyone in the group. Since Paul never received his, he went on the internet and bought his own version of a “Martin” shirt. Paul thought that since everyone was sporting a Martin Guitar shirt, he would be a bit different and wore a Martin Van Buren shirt, with “Martin” written on the front below a black and white graphic of the 8th president of the United States. This reference to Martin Van Buren led to the Seinfeld moment of the morning, alluding to the episode where George has a run-in with the “Van Buren Boys”, a local New York City gang.

Once the breakfast orders were taken off to the kitchen, Eddie J started a conversation about what some well known musicians did before they hit the big time. Eddie J said that his son Brett, who recently passed the bar exam and is now a lawyer, told him that while he was attending undergraduate school at the New School in New York, he would see the soon-to-be Lady Gaga handing out demo discs of her music on the streets around the campus on a regular basis. Then, Eddie J told of time when he was a teenager driving with a friend, and they were stuck in traffic. On the roadside was a young man, just playing his guitar. Eddie and his friend decided to pull their car off the road and wait out the delay by joining in with the roadside musician. After some short introductions, the three began to play some blues. When the traffic cleared, Eddie J and his friend said goodbye to their newly found musician friend and went on their way. Months later when that roadside musicianʼs first album hit the music stores, Eddie J discovered that he had jammed with Jim Croce!

Once the food arrived and more coffee and tea made its way through our veins, the conversation took several different turns. Jim asked Bert if he had caught any Stripers this season, and Bert proudly proclaimed that he just caught a 20 pounder near the Mulica River area just this past weekend. Then, Paul wanted to know if any of us had heard about what happened to the guy who caught a 881 pound Bluefin Tuna. A New Bedford, Mass. fisherman caught this 881 pound Tuna in his nets. When the boat arrived at the dock, Federal agents are waiting to confiscate the fish. When the stunned fisherman inquired why such action needed to be taken, the Fed said that he did not catch the fish with a rod and reel and therefore, the fish was illegally caught. The poor fisherman showed the Fed his permit and license to catch Tuna, but the Fed just said that those permits imply the use of rod and reel and not nets to catch the said fish. Paul also pointed out that a 575 pound Bluefin Tuna sold for nearly $392,000. So, that fish could be worth half a million dollars! So, for now, the Feds have the fish on ice. This has all the ear marks of an X-File episode. The truth is out there!

Jim, then, pointed out that the Christmas shopping season will officially begin this (Black) Friday, and that everyone should start to consider what to get Dave for Christmas this year. Everyone at the table had experienced at least one of Daveʼs hilarious “Christmas list” memos, which were gift suggestions for the man who has everything–Dave. One year he placed a memo in everyoneʼs box with the Vitruvian Man copied on it with following blurb beneath:

My dear colleagues, 

Once again, in an attempt to ease the tension you obviously must feel each year at this most festive time (for each year you fail to find the perfect gift for me), I am supplying you with this handy guide. Perhaps you misplaced the one I gave to you in 1980. Bring this with you on those shopping excursions. As always, I enjoy many material things (refer to lists from 1981 to 2003).

MerryChristmas                                                                                                                                                                                      HappyHanukkah                                                                                                                                                                                                             etc.

David

P.S. No frankincense!

Again, another year, he went on the PA and announced: “Please, no sweaters this year!”

So, Jim wants to put everyone on notice: 30 Shopping Days ʻtill Christmas! Stay tuned for ʻBreakfast with Daveʼsʼ very own “Daveʼs Christmas Wish List”. This discussion of Daveʼs Christmas list memos, launched everyone into remembering their particular favorite, like the memo Jerry Guis, a science teacher at the school back in the day, distributed to “certain” staff members at the end of one school year. He carefully forged the principalʼs signature at the bottom of a sheet of legal high school stationary upon which he wrote the following memo:

“It has been brought to my attention that you are an asshole. Please take steps to rectify this situation immediately.”

Paulʼs favorite memo was Jimmy Mullenʼs request for a class set of Thesauri for his room. The handwritten memo went something like this:

Fellow (teachers, colleagues, associates),

I (need, require, want) a (set, group, collection) of Thesauri. If you can (help, assist, aid) in this (plea, request, appeal), please have a (student, pleb, pupil) (lug, tote, fetch) them to Room 3B.

James R. Mullen
Primate of the Azores

By this point in the conversation, the group had not only finished their meals, but the dishes were bussed from the table as well, which only left the check for us to tally up. Since Doug “D” Calculator was absent, the deciphering duty fell upon his second, Paul, who rather quickly figured that each member owed $10.00, which was more than a reasonable fee for the good food and great fun we had at the Breakfast Shop. Once outside, a fellow diner who was walking to his car agreed to take a picture of the group standing around a shrine to St. Joseph the Worker, which made everyone wonder who was the patron saint of the retired?

Breakfast Without Coffee Boy

North Wildwood, NJ: On this windy and rainy Thursday November morning, ʻBreakfast with Daveʼ, the oldest, established, permanent, floating breakfast in South Jersey, descended upon the Star Diner on New Jersey Avenue in Angle Sea, built upon the old parking lot of the original Ed Zaberer’s restaurant, whose advertisements stressed that eating there was “like eating inside a Christmas Tree”. Joining together for the Thursday morning soiree and moveable feast were one time North Wildwood childhood resident, Ray McAlarnen, Bill Noe, Doug “D” Letterman, Johnny “Tsunami” Wilsey, Eddie Jurewicz, Jim Colubiale and Dave Smith. Paul Mathis sent his regrets because he was substituting for his wife Landa at Holy Spirit High School, or as Jim called the school, “Our Lady of Route 9”.

Immediately upon realizing that Paul was not coming, Dave became disappointed because he wanted to kid Paul about how much coffee he drinks at each breakfast by calling him “coffee boy”, which became a very early Seinfeld reference alluding to the show where Kramer tries to sneak a coffee into the movie theater and spills it inside his pants causing a great commotion. When the usher comes to throw him out, he says to Kramer, “Come on, coffee boy!”.

The Star Dinerʼs menu featured all the key ingredients for a great breakfast from eggs, prepared any way, to pancakes and moist, fluffy omelets made to order. Several specials offered combinations of eggs, pancakes, and meat for those who may enjoy a little of everything. The coffee was fresh and smooth, and that first gulp took the bite out of the stormy outdoor chill left over from the walk through the parking lot.

Once our orders were taken off to the kitchen, Eddie J opened the conversation at the table by asking how everyone felt about the situation with Penn State and Joe Paterno. The consensus was that Joe (unfortunately) had to go, but the group also agreed that the school is merely protecting the school and not the victims. John pointed out that the jokes are going around already, like “If an older woman who goes after younger man is called a ʻcougarʼ, then what do you call a man who goes after young boys?” The answer: a Nittany Lion. Some people now refer to Penn State as “Ped.” State. As disturbing as all this was, Jim could not help but think of a W. C. Fields line from The Bank Dick. When one of the characters asked Mr. Sousé if he liked children, he replied, “Ah yes, Children. I like Children, especially girl children preferably between the ages of 18 and 22.”

After the food arrived and coffee and tea was refilled, the conversation touched on many different topics as everyone began to focus more on the food in front of them. Dave asked a very interesting trivia question regarding Seinfeld: “Name all of Kramerʼs ʻfriendsʼ that he mentioned on the show?” Jim could only remember Bob Sacamano, Mickey, and the golf caddy, but he didnʼt remember his name. Dave assured everyone that the list was quite extensive. Meanwhile, as John and Ray were talking about sailing and fishing, Ray mentioned that he only goes out in his boat to fish when the conditions are perfect. John then compared Ray to Jim because Jim will only surf in nice weather, or as John would call him, “a fair weather surfer”. However, John did admit the he and Jim had some good times this summer at the rocks. Even Dave admitted that surfing at the rock pile is like experiencing something otherworldly. John added that the waves at the rocks break somewhat like the waves at Hatteras.

As everyone was finishing up, the conversation switched to recollections of the March 1962 storm that devastated the area. Ray lived in North Wildwood then, and he said that the water levels inside his house were at least thigh high! Water was everywhere, and conditions remained bad for days. Jim, who was almost 9 then, rode down to Wildwood Crest with his Dad the first weekend after the storm to check for damage at the Atlanta Avenue property, which is where Jim, Debbie and his Dad live today. Jimʼs dad entered the island using the North Wildwood Blvd., and Jim vividly remembers how the houses that once lined the road, which were built on pilings, were washed into the middle of North Wildwood Blvd. forcing his dad to serpentine the car through the debris. Upon seeing the first house in the middle of the road, the 8 year old Jim could only think of the Wizard of Oz and the image of Dorothyʼs house spiraling out of the sky before landing in Oz. Like Dorothy, Jim realized he wasnʼt in Kansas any more.

As the dishes were cleared and everyoneʼs cup was filled with another round of coffee and tea, John wanted to know what was the worst thing they had ever done while working at the school. John selected Dave to be the first to share since he was at the head of the table, and Dave didnʼt take long to come up with a story. As Dave related the tale, he was teaching a phys. ed. class when one of the students began acting up during the touch football game taking place that period. Dave threw the football at the student to scare him, but he was a little more accurate than he intended. The spiral pass hit the student right in the groin. After the student recovered from the initial shock of the injury, he immediately accosted Dave. When the boy placed his hands on him, Dave, a high school state level wrestler himself as well as a LCMR wrestling coach, instinctively went into defensive mode and body slammed the boy onto the ground. Another Phys. Ed. teacher took the boy aside making sure he was all right and counseled him a bit. Dave, meanwhile, thought that his teaching career was pretty much over. However, when the two were reunited a bit later, the boy tearfully apologized to Dave. But Dave would not allow the boy to take all the blame for the situation and asked for the boyʼs forgiveness. Even though things worked out in the end, the incident still haunts Dave to this day.

John then turned to Jim, but backed off saying that Jim probably never did anything wrong because he was ʻsqueaky cleanʼ. However, Jim begged to differ. Jim told John that for the last 8 years of his time at the school, he only went to back to school night 2 times! Over those last 8 years, both his sons played collegiate soccer at Stockton College, and every third September Wednesday, a game was scheduled, sometimes really big games, like Stockton vs. Rowan. During half time of a weekend home game, Ray, whose son also played for Stockton along with Jimʼs eldest son Vince, asked Jim if he was coming that Wednesday night for the annual Rowan game. When Jim said that Wednesday was back to school night for the high school, Ray suggested that he blow it off and come and see the game. Well, that Wednesday, when Jim arrived at the game with his wife Debbie, Ray and the other Stockton parents gave Jim a standing ovation. Since that night, Jim made nearly every game, following Vince and then AJ. One of the two times he did attend back to school night was a result of the school denying his request for a personal day for that Wednesday. As fate would have it, Jimʼs son AJ had two assists that night in a Stockton victory. So, from then on Jim merely called in sick. Over AJʼs four year career, Jim missed only a handful of the 88 games AJ played in his career. Ray did the same for his son Mike who played with Vince.

As all this was laid bare, Doug “The Calculator” had already figured that this weekʼs great food and gonzo fun at the Star Diner and Cafe would cost the group $15.00 each, which included a rather generous tip for the waitress who kept the coffee and tea coming throughout the meal. Paul would have really appreciated that.