Breakfast with Blake

Seaville, NJ: Grandpa told me he was taking me on an adventure this morning. He said weʼre going to Dinoʼs for ʻBreakfast with Daveʼ, but it looked nothing like Fred and Wilmaʼs cave in Bedrock; looked like a diner to me. Either way, it was perfect timing because I was getting a little hungry as we entered. Before we met the group, my Grandpa whispered that he hadn’t told anyone about my coming to ʻBreakfast with Daveʼ because he wanted it to be a surprise, so he carried me to the end of this big, long ʻBreakfast with Daveʼ table in the middle of this huge room with a whole lot of people sitting around it, and announces, “This, everyone, is Blake!” Then, he introduced me to each person beginning with the one person who was different from all the others, Janice. Next was Jim, who said he remembered me when I was half my size. Next to him was Doug. Next to Doug was Eddie J and at the end of that side of the table was another Jim, Jim Ridgeway or JR, who looked like he was already having a good time. Across from JR, was Bill Noe and next to him was Dave, the man himself, and I must be honest, I wasn’t really that impressed. Next to him was Bert, but he didn’t bring Ernie with him, and then, of course, Grandpa Mathis.

This man with a pad and pencil came with my own “special” chair which placed me right at the head of the table and right next to the person who looks so much different from the others. I thanked him, but I don’t think he heard me. As my Grandpa filled my bowl with Cheerios, the man with the pad and pencil took an order from each of the people at the table. Then, he poured this black stuff into their cups which they seemed to really enjoy. So, I asked my Grandpa for my juice, and I joined in on the drinking.

I heard my Grandpa say to everyone, “I brought Blake with me this week because YOU HAVE TO SEE THE BABY!” Everyone to laughed and began talk about something called Seinfeld. I personally didnʼt think it was THAT funny. Funnier than that was Dave trying not to say anything I shouldnʼt hear. Meanwhile, I was so distracted by this Janice person (who smelled just a nice as see looked) that quite a few Cheerios never made it to my mouth. Through all the different sounds coming my way from the table, I made out the word “airplane” from the other end. I like airplanes. I wished for Santa to give me a book about them for Christmas this year. JR was telling a story about a man who owns and flies his own single engine plane. How cool!? Unless, of course, the plane gets hit by a storm of dust forcing the pilot to climb higher than legally allowed to save his life. Then, Bert without Ernie mentioned something about a Dinoʼs he visited while he was stationed in Germany. I wonder if thatʼs where Fred and Wilmaʼs cave is?

The man with the pad and pencil came back again with the food and more of the black stuff everyone wanted more of. Just the sight of all the eggs and omelets and pancakes made me want my chips, so I gave my pop-pop the “sign”, and he filled my bowl with my second course. In between mouthfuls, I heard everyone laughing and when I focus in I saw they were all laughing at Dave. I couldn’t understand what made him so funny? Iʼd much rather be irresistible and flirt with Janice.

As everyone ate their meals, Dave told what I thought was a joke about two elderly married people. Dave said that an elderly married couple were having coffee together when the husband says to his wife, “If I should die first, I want you to take all my stuff and sell it.” When the wife asks why, he answers, “Since I would hope that you would remarry, I donʼt want some asshole using any of my stuff.” To which the wife replies, “Like Iʼm going to marry another asshole!” Everyone laughed, but I didnʼt get it. Why would anyone want to marry an asshole? Nothing any good comes out of there anyway.

My Grandpa couldnʼt help but match that joke with one of his own. He told of yet another elderly couple who were watching TV one night, and the husband asks his wife if she wants a milkshake. “Sure,” she says, and the husband goes into the kitchen to prepare his concoction. While he’s working, the wife yells to him, “Donʼt forget the extra chocolate syrup.” “OK,” he replies. “You could put some whipped cream on top,” she adds. “Iʼm on it,” he shouts from the kitchen. “Make sure you put a cherry on top as well,” her final request. About 20 minutes later, the husband brings her bacon and eggs. The wife looks at the bacon and eggs, looks back at the husband and said, “What? No toast?” Everyone seemed to like my Grandpaʼs story. Maybe thatʼs why there were trays of toast still left all over the table.

After the man with the pad and pencil came yet again and removed all the empty dishes, he left a piece of paper with me that had all these letters and numbers all over it. Everybody thought it was really a scream, but I only had cheerios. And I brought them with me! Funny or not, I wasnʼt paying this. Besides, Iʼm a little short right now anyhow. You know, with the Holiday season and all that. So, I gave the bill to my Grandpa who in turn sent it to Doug, the groupʼs official calculator. While Doug was doing his calculating thing, I called the man with the pad and pencil to come over to me so I could tell him my favorite butler joke, which goes something like this:

“Jeeves, did you put fresh water in the fish bowl?” And Jeeves says, “Why? He didnʼt drink up what I gave him last night!”

While I was telling my story, Grandpa dressed me for the trip outside to the car and then home. As I was bundled up for the weather, I couldnʼt help but think, “So, this is what a ʻBreakfast with Daveʼ is all about.” Not bad. I guess Iʼll have to wait about 55 years to start my own, or just hitch a ride with my Grandpa to the next one. But for now, God bless us, everyone!

By the way, only 17 more shopping days remain to get a present for Dave, and he really looks like he needs something special this year!

The Wild, the Innocent and the ʻBreakfast with Daveʼ Shuffle

West Cape May, NJ: On this first day of December 2011, ʻBreakfast with Daveʼ brought its moveable feast and Thursday morning soiree to the Bella Vida Garden Cafe on Broadway in West Cape May, a long time favorite of the group. This week, Paul Mathis, Mac McConnell, John Wilsey, Ed Sherretta, Dave Smith, Eddie Jurewicz, and first timer, Janice Gallagher, – a fellow English teacher at the high school with Paul and Jim – convened for some eggs, grits and good times.

As Chris Monge, the owner and operator of Bella Vida, told the group, the Cafe menu continues to offer something for nearly every discerning breakfast goer, including delicious fluffy “Ultimate” omelets as well as fruit filled pancakes and Belgian, multigrain or sweet potato waffles. Over and above the many healthy and wholesome breakfast offerings, Bella Vida also offers their own custom roasted fair trade organic Costa Rican coffee, which has always been (and still is) a ʻBreakfast with Daveʼ favorite. Our waitress, Liz, was quick to serve the gang copious dosages of this dark roasted beverage all breakfast long.

After our orders were taken, the group discovered it was our waitressʼ birthday, and serenaded her with their unique rendition of “Happy Birthday” to the embarrassment of Liz and the enjoyment of all the breakfast goers in the dinning area at the time, who chimed in for the final two lines of the song.

As the Costa Rican coffee started to do its magic, Ed Sherretta broke the ice and told a story about a time when he and few of his friends were hitchhiking through Europe. While walking through the streets of Amsterdam, they came upon a beautiful and voluptuous blonde dancing naked in a window display. They were so focused on the dancer in the raw that one of the group literally walked right off the street and into the nearby river! When several of the locals witnessed this happen, they started screaming “typhoid, typhoid!” because the water was extremely polluted. With the help of some of the locals, they fished the wayward American out of the water in a flash. Ed Sherretta added that he and his friends had all the necessary shots before leaving as a precaution, but he never thought they needed them as protection from themselves! Speaking of hitchhiking, Dave shared an experience he had when he was in college. He and a friend accepted a ride from a mysterious man in a dark sedan. Dave sat in the back while his friend rode shotgun. After a while, Dave saw his friend reel off and sock the man right in the face! With his glasses askew and his face welting from the hit, he asked both of them to leave the car immediately. When Dave asked his friend what happened, he told him that the guy grabbed his balls! Hearing this, Paul wanted to know if “it” moved. Thus, we had our first Seinfeld reference of the morning, alluding to the episode where a male masseuse gives George a massage. And then the food arrived.

After the meals were distributed and Liz poured another round of coffee and tea for the group, Jim picked up on the hitchhiking theme and told of the time he and his Alpha Sigma Phi pledge brothers were “abducted” one Saturday night and transported to Wheeling West Virginiaʼs Bethany College. Jim went on to point out that they were left there with no money and no way home. So, they made their way to the local Alpha Sig fraternity house to seek refuge from the cold October night looming ahead. The Bethany Brothers made them an offer they couldn’t refuse. They said that they could stay the night if they helped work on the fraternityʼs homecoming float. So, for the remainder of that night, the three of them stuffed red and white Kleenex into a 6 foot wire frame that spelled “Alpha Sigma Phi”. Then, bright and early the next morning, the three set out to hitch hike back to Pittsburgh. They had only been thumbing for about 15 minutes when these two girls driving a Ford mustang saw them and pulled over. After all three were in the car, the girls asked where they were headed and once the girls were told, they decided to drive the trio all the way back to the campus! Jim pointed out that their return was so quick that they amazed their future brothers by beating them to the fraternityʼs breakfast table at Duquesneʼs Student Union.

Ed Sherretta then attempted to fill Janice in on just how crazy and wild Bill Garrison was in his younger days simply because he was fearless. To provide an example of this for Janice, Dave told the story of returning from Atlantic City with four other teachers via the Parkway when Billy chucked an empty beer bottle out the passenger window and tried to “hook shot” the bottle into the coin basket at one of the toll stops. He missed and the bottle shattered all over the toll booth. Not even a mile later, the State police pulled the car over. Dave pointed out that once the police saw the condition of everyone in the car, they took the group to a nearby State Police station where the police questioned Billy as to how much he had to drink. Bill answered that he had a least a case of beer and 30 rum and cokes, which, Dave added, was basically half of his capacity. The police then told the other four to leave the room while Bill made his phone call. A little while later, Bill emerged from the room and told everyone that they were free to go. To this day, Dave has no idea who Billy called or how he got them out of that fix.

After the dishes were cleared and yet another round of coffee and tea washed down a really terrific breakfast, Janice asked John Wilsey what he’d been up to since he retired and he mentioned that every Christmas holiday he travels to Hawaiiʼs North Shore of Oahu to do some surfing at Sunset Beach. When Dave heard John say ʻHawaiiʼ, he had to tell his story about an argument he had with his wife over whether or not ʻHawaiiʻ is actually pronounced ʻHavaiiʼ. To settle their disagreement, Dave said that they agreed to ask a man they saw along the Cape May Mall to settle the argument. So, Dave approached the man and asked him whether the island state is pronounced ʻHawaiiʻ or ʻHavaiiʼ. The man never hesitated and responded, ʻHavaiiʼ. Dave thanked the man who then said, “Youʼre very vellcome!”

Undaunted by Daveʼs side-bar, John then mentioned that in a few weeks he would be traveling down to wild and wacky Key West for yet another National Sailing Competition. Janice, jumping right into the conversation, agreed that Key West is very much an off the wall kind of place. She went on to tell of how she and her husband went to a local bar down there and saw a man at the bar with his dog that was calmly sipping from a beer which the bartender had placed right in front of him. When Jim heard Janice tell her story, he couldn’t help but tell the following joke:

“A man goes into a bar with his dog and asks for a drink. The bartender says, “You canʼt bring that dog in here!” The guy, without missing a beat, says, “This is my seeing-eye dog.”

“Oh, Iʼm sorry man,” says the bartender. “Here, the first oneʼs on me.” The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks into the bar with a dog. The first guy stops him and says, “You canʼt bring that dog in here unless you tell him itʼs a seeing-eye dog.” The second man graciously thanks him, continues to the bar, and asks for a drink. The bartender says,

“Hey, you canʼt bring that dog in here!”

The man replies, “This is my seeing-eye dog.”

The bartender says, “No, I donʼt think so. They donʼt use Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs.”

The man pauses for a half-second and replies, “What?!!? They gave me a Chihuahua?!?”

As the joke unfolded at the table, Liz delivered the check, and with Doug “D” Calculator absent, the deciphering of the individual cost for this weekʼs feast fell to Paul who quickly tabulated that the cost for each was $16.00, which included a sizable birthday tip for Liz. So, the oldest, established, permanent floating breakfast in South Jersey adjourned until next week with a reminder: only 24 more shopping days remain for everyone to buy Dave a Christmas gift!

Memories and Memos

Somers Point, NJ: On this mild but overcast November Wednesday, ʻBreakfast with Daveʼ, the oldest, established, permanent floating breakfast in South Jersey, made a road trip up the Garden State Stumpway to break bread at the Breakfast Shop at 910 Bay Avenue in Somers Point. Since a Thanksgiving breakfast was not possible, the group decided to gather on Wednesday for some pre- Thanksgiving omelets and anecdotes. In attendance for this last November ʻBreakfast with Daveʼ were: Eddie Jurewicz, Bert Kern, Dave Smith, Ray McAlarnen, Paul Mathis and Jim Colubiale.

The Breakfast Shop, a favorite haunt for the locals who actually become mad in the summer when they have to wait for a table, is situated right on the water with the main dining area overlooking the Little Egg Harbor Inlet and the Rt. 52 cause way bridge. On this particular Wednesday, the locals were out in force causing the ʻBreakfast with Daveʼ gang to sit at a table in a back dining area. The menu offers everything from omelets to pancakes as well as eggs done every-which-way a hungry breakfaster could want. The menu also had a few daily specials, like The Breakfast Shop Slam which offered two eggs, two pancakes and two pieces of meat.

As the group began to sip on their first of several cups of coffee and tea, Paul unveiled his new “Martin” shirt. The unofficial ʻBreakfast with Daveʼ T-shirt is a Martin Guitar shirt which Eddie J supplied to mostly everyone in the group. Since Paul never received his, he went on the internet and bought his own version of a “Martin” shirt. Paul thought that since everyone was sporting a Martin Guitar shirt, he would be a bit different and wore a Martin Van Buren shirt, with “Martin” written on the front below a black and white graphic of the 8th president of the United States. This reference to Martin Van Buren led to the Seinfeld moment of the morning, alluding to the episode where George has a run-in with the “Van Buren Boys”, a local New York City gang.

Once the breakfast orders were taken off to the kitchen, Eddie J started a conversation about what some well known musicians did before they hit the big time. Eddie J said that his son Brett, who recently passed the bar exam and is now a lawyer, told him that while he was attending undergraduate school at the New School in New York, he would see the soon-to-be Lady Gaga handing out demo discs of her music on the streets around the campus on a regular basis. Then, Eddie J told of time when he was a teenager driving with a friend, and they were stuck in traffic. On the roadside was a young man, just playing his guitar. Eddie and his friend decided to pull their car off the road and wait out the delay by joining in with the roadside musician. After some short introductions, the three began to play some blues. When the traffic cleared, Eddie J and his friend said goodbye to their newly found musician friend and went on their way. Months later when that roadside musicianʼs first album hit the music stores, Eddie J discovered that he had jammed with Jim Croce!

Once the food arrived and more coffee and tea made its way through our veins, the conversation took several different turns. Jim asked Bert if he had caught any Stripers this season, and Bert proudly proclaimed that he just caught a 20 pounder near the Mulica River area just this past weekend. Then, Paul wanted to know if any of us had heard about what happened to the guy who caught a 881 pound Bluefin Tuna. A New Bedford, Mass. fisherman caught this 881 pound Tuna in his nets. When the boat arrived at the dock, Federal agents are waiting to confiscate the fish. When the stunned fisherman inquired why such action needed to be taken, the Fed said that he did not catch the fish with a rod and reel and therefore, the fish was illegally caught. The poor fisherman showed the Fed his permit and license to catch Tuna, but the Fed just said that those permits imply the use of rod and reel and not nets to catch the said fish. Paul also pointed out that a 575 pound Bluefin Tuna sold for nearly $392,000. So, that fish could be worth half a million dollars! So, for now, the Feds have the fish on ice. This has all the ear marks of an X-File episode. The truth is out there!

Jim, then, pointed out that the Christmas shopping season will officially begin this (Black) Friday, and that everyone should start to consider what to get Dave for Christmas this year. Everyone at the table had experienced at least one of Daveʼs hilarious “Christmas list” memos, which were gift suggestions for the man who has everything–Dave. One year he placed a memo in everyoneʼs box with the Vitruvian Man copied on it with following blurb beneath:

My dear colleagues, 

Once again, in an attempt to ease the tension you obviously must feel each year at this most festive time (for each year you fail to find the perfect gift for me), I am supplying you with this handy guide. Perhaps you misplaced the one I gave to you in 1980. Bring this with you on those shopping excursions. As always, I enjoy many material things (refer to lists from 1981 to 2003).

MerryChristmas                                                                                                                                                                                      HappyHanukkah                                                                                                                                                                                                             etc.

David

P.S. No frankincense!

Again, another year, he went on the PA and announced: “Please, no sweaters this year!”

So, Jim wants to put everyone on notice: 30 Shopping Days ʻtill Christmas! Stay tuned for ʻBreakfast with Daveʼsʼ very own “Daveʼs Christmas Wish List”. This discussion of Daveʼs Christmas list memos, launched everyone into remembering their particular favorite, like the memo Jerry Guis, a science teacher at the school back in the day, distributed to “certain” staff members at the end of one school year. He carefully forged the principalʼs signature at the bottom of a sheet of legal high school stationary upon which he wrote the following memo:

“It has been brought to my attention that you are an asshole. Please take steps to rectify this situation immediately.”

Paulʼs favorite memo was Jimmy Mullenʼs request for a class set of Thesauri for his room. The handwritten memo went something like this:

Fellow (teachers, colleagues, associates),

I (need, require, want) a (set, group, collection) of Thesauri. If you can (help, assist, aid) in this (plea, request, appeal), please have a (student, pleb, pupil) (lug, tote, fetch) them to Room 3B.

James R. Mullen
Primate of the Azores

By this point in the conversation, the group had not only finished their meals, but the dishes were bussed from the table as well, which only left the check for us to tally up. Since Doug “D” Calculator was absent, the deciphering duty fell upon his second, Paul, who rather quickly figured that each member owed $10.00, which was more than a reasonable fee for the good food and great fun we had at the Breakfast Shop. Once outside, a fellow diner who was walking to his car agreed to take a picture of the group standing around a shrine to St. Joseph the Worker, which made everyone wonder who was the patron saint of the retired?

Breakfast Without Coffee Boy

North Wildwood, NJ: On this windy and rainy Thursday November morning, ʻBreakfast with Daveʼ, the oldest, established, permanent, floating breakfast in South Jersey, descended upon the Star Diner on New Jersey Avenue in Angle Sea, built upon the old parking lot of the original Ed Zaberer’s restaurant, whose advertisements stressed that eating there was “like eating inside a Christmas Tree”. Joining together for the Thursday morning soiree and moveable feast were one time North Wildwood childhood resident, Ray McAlarnen, Bill Noe, Doug “D” Letterman, Johnny “Tsunami” Wilsey, Eddie Jurewicz, Jim Colubiale and Dave Smith. Paul Mathis sent his regrets because he was substituting for his wife Landa at Holy Spirit High School, or as Jim called the school, “Our Lady of Route 9”.

Immediately upon realizing that Paul was not coming, Dave became disappointed because he wanted to kid Paul about how much coffee he drinks at each breakfast by calling him “coffee boy”, which became a very early Seinfeld reference alluding to the show where Kramer tries to sneak a coffee into the movie theater and spills it inside his pants causing a great commotion. When the usher comes to throw him out, he says to Kramer, “Come on, coffee boy!”.

The Star Dinerʼs menu featured all the key ingredients for a great breakfast from eggs, prepared any way, to pancakes and moist, fluffy omelets made to order. Several specials offered combinations of eggs, pancakes, and meat for those who may enjoy a little of everything. The coffee was fresh and smooth, and that first gulp took the bite out of the stormy outdoor chill left over from the walk through the parking lot.

Once our orders were taken off to the kitchen, Eddie J opened the conversation at the table by asking how everyone felt about the situation with Penn State and Joe Paterno. The consensus was that Joe (unfortunately) had to go, but the group also agreed that the school is merely protecting the school and not the victims. John pointed out that the jokes are going around already, like “If an older woman who goes after younger man is called a ʻcougarʼ, then what do you call a man who goes after young boys?” The answer: a Nittany Lion. Some people now refer to Penn State as “Ped.” State. As disturbing as all this was, Jim could not help but think of a W. C. Fields line from The Bank Dick. When one of the characters asked Mr. Sousé if he liked children, he replied, “Ah yes, Children. I like Children, especially girl children preferably between the ages of 18 and 22.”

After the food arrived and coffee and tea was refilled, the conversation touched on many different topics as everyone began to focus more on the food in front of them. Dave asked a very interesting trivia question regarding Seinfeld: “Name all of Kramerʼs ʻfriendsʼ that he mentioned on the show?” Jim could only remember Bob Sacamano, Mickey, and the golf caddy, but he didnʼt remember his name. Dave assured everyone that the list was quite extensive. Meanwhile, as John and Ray were talking about sailing and fishing, Ray mentioned that he only goes out in his boat to fish when the conditions are perfect. John then compared Ray to Jim because Jim will only surf in nice weather, or as John would call him, “a fair weather surfer”. However, John did admit the he and Jim had some good times this summer at the rocks. Even Dave admitted that surfing at the rock pile is like experiencing something otherworldly. John added that the waves at the rocks break somewhat like the waves at Hatteras.

As everyone was finishing up, the conversation switched to recollections of the March 1962 storm that devastated the area. Ray lived in North Wildwood then, and he said that the water levels inside his house were at least thigh high! Water was everywhere, and conditions remained bad for days. Jim, who was almost 9 then, rode down to Wildwood Crest with his Dad the first weekend after the storm to check for damage at the Atlanta Avenue property, which is where Jim, Debbie and his Dad live today. Jimʼs dad entered the island using the North Wildwood Blvd., and Jim vividly remembers how the houses that once lined the road, which were built on pilings, were washed into the middle of North Wildwood Blvd. forcing his dad to serpentine the car through the debris. Upon seeing the first house in the middle of the road, the 8 year old Jim could only think of the Wizard of Oz and the image of Dorothyʼs house spiraling out of the sky before landing in Oz. Like Dorothy, Jim realized he wasnʼt in Kansas any more.

As the dishes were cleared and everyoneʼs cup was filled with another round of coffee and tea, John wanted to know what was the worst thing they had ever done while working at the school. John selected Dave to be the first to share since he was at the head of the table, and Dave didnʼt take long to come up with a story. As Dave related the tale, he was teaching a phys. ed. class when one of the students began acting up during the touch football game taking place that period. Dave threw the football at the student to scare him, but he was a little more accurate than he intended. The spiral pass hit the student right in the groin. After the student recovered from the initial shock of the injury, he immediately accosted Dave. When the boy placed his hands on him, Dave, a high school state level wrestler himself as well as a LCMR wrestling coach, instinctively went into defensive mode and body slammed the boy onto the ground. Another Phys. Ed. teacher took the boy aside making sure he was all right and counseled him a bit. Dave, meanwhile, thought that his teaching career was pretty much over. However, when the two were reunited a bit later, the boy tearfully apologized to Dave. But Dave would not allow the boy to take all the blame for the situation and asked for the boyʼs forgiveness. Even though things worked out in the end, the incident still haunts Dave to this day.

John then turned to Jim, but backed off saying that Jim probably never did anything wrong because he was ʻsqueaky cleanʼ. However, Jim begged to differ. Jim told John that for the last 8 years of his time at the school, he only went to back to school night 2 times! Over those last 8 years, both his sons played collegiate soccer at Stockton College, and every third September Wednesday, a game was scheduled, sometimes really big games, like Stockton vs. Rowan. During half time of a weekend home game, Ray, whose son also played for Stockton along with Jimʼs eldest son Vince, asked Jim if he was coming that Wednesday night for the annual Rowan game. When Jim said that Wednesday was back to school night for the high school, Ray suggested that he blow it off and come and see the game. Well, that Wednesday, when Jim arrived at the game with his wife Debbie, Ray and the other Stockton parents gave Jim a standing ovation. Since that night, Jim made nearly every game, following Vince and then AJ. One of the two times he did attend back to school night was a result of the school denying his request for a personal day for that Wednesday. As fate would have it, Jimʼs son AJ had two assists that night in a Stockton victory. So, from then on Jim merely called in sick. Over AJʼs four year career, Jim missed only a handful of the 88 games AJ played in his career. Ray did the same for his son Mike who played with Vince.

As all this was laid bare, Doug “The Calculator” had already figured that this weekʼs great food and gonzo fun at the Star Diner and Cafe would cost the group $15.00 each, which included a rather generous tip for the waitress who kept the coffee and tea coming throughout the meal. Paul would have really appreciated that.

BREAKFAST WITH A SIDE OF TUN TAVERN

Egg Harbor Township, NJ: On this second Thursday of November, ʻBreakfast with Daveʼ, or the oldest, established, permanent floating breakfast in South Jersey, ventured up the Stumpway to break bread at the Shore Diner on Tilton Road in Egg Harbor Township before adjourning to the Tun Tavern in Atlantic City to continue the tradition of celebrating another NJEA Teacherʼs Convention. On this mild November morning, Lisa Jurewicz, Eddie Jurewicz, Lynn Massimiano, Tammy McGarrigle, Paul Mathis, Ray McAlarnen, Jim Colubiale and Henry Weigel gathered to share some short stacks and tall tales. Unfortunately, Dave could not make the festivities for this week.

The Shore Dinerʼs menu offered something for every breakfast appetite. From eggs made any which way and omelets made to order, to pancakes and french toast, the menu covered all breakfast possibilities. For those who enjoy a little of everything, several specials were offered that combined eggs, pancakes (or french toast) and a breakfast meat of choice. The coffee was fresh and bottomless, and after the nice little jaunt up the Stumpway, that first cup really hit the spot!

The hostess seated the group at a long table for eight set up in an empty part of the diner so they had an entire dinning room all to themselves. The best comeback of the morning went to Tammy who said, “Thatʼs OK, I can imagine what I would like to have” in response to the waitressʼ asking if she would like a menu. Welcome aboard Tammy!

After our orders were taken off to the kitchen, Lisa J, who is now down to 135 some odd days before she retires, proclaimed to the group that she was Ahab-like hell bent on winning this yearʼs “Brain Bowl” at LCMR. To that end, she painstakingly put together a “team” for the assault that will seal the deal for her, and she wanted Jim to be a part of this dream team as a community member. Teams are composed of students, faculty, staff, community members and selected “experts”. Jim quickly pointed out that Paul would be much better suited for a competition like this,  since he is under contract from the Board of Education, he may qualify as a staff member. Lisa said she would look into that possibility, but she still wanted Jim on the team as a retirement gift for her. So, Jim agreed.

As our food was delivered, the focus of the conversation around the table turned to the firing of Joe Paterno for not going “above and beyond the law” in dealing with his then assistant coachʼs handling of children (pun intended). This whole scenario reminded Jim of the finale of Seinfeld when Jerry, George, Elaine and Kramer go to jail for violating the Good Samaritan Act. Thus, we had our first, and somewhat disturbing, reference to Seinfeld for the morning.

Through the remainder of the morning meal, the conversation focused on a past LCMR superintendent, Ephram Keller, who more than likely hired all of those present except for Tammy, Lisa and Lynn. Back in those days, the superintendentʼs office was inside the school building which probably made life a little miserable for whomever the principal might be, and this also meant that “the super” could be seen at any time walking the halls. Eddie J, who talked quite extensively with him after Irma McVeyʼs funeral, reported to the group that Ephram is 94 years old and has just recovered from a stroke and is doing a well as could be expected. He then pointed out that Ephramʼs son, now working at Stanford, is a musical whiz who helped write a textbook that is still used in colleges around the country in music history classes. Sheep herding the conversation back to the past, Jim related a story about Keller told to him by Jack Connor, a then Special Ed teacher and Jimʼs running partner during eighth period. Jack taught Special Ed in a D-wing room that was divided by a floor to ceiling book case to create two separate learning areas within his room. One day, Jack broke up a fight between two of his students and sent one of the combatants off to the half by the doorway while he remained in the back part of the room dealing with the other fighter. To his credit, the one boy went to the other side of the room and sat himself in a desk even though he was still fuming over the fight. Just at that moment, Keller walked by the open door and saw this student sitting at this desk seething and pounding his fists on the table top. Keller walked into the room and confronted the boy, reprimanding him by saying, “Son, where are your books?” The kid, still seething, looked up at him and answered, “Who the f-%k are you?” According to Jack, Kellerʼs face began to glow in a brilliant hue of amber, and he left the room in a huff (or was it a minute and a huff?). Keller was not observed very much in the halls during school time after that episode.

After the dishes were cleared and we began to sip another round of coffee and tea, Henry wanted to know more about the annual gathering at the Tun Tavern during the NJEA Convention. Paul, who along with the late Jimmy Mullen, first started to make the yearly pilgrimage to Atlantic City many moons ago, told the story. In the beginning, just Mullen and Paul would travel up the Parkway to have breakfast, make a quick tour of the Convention and then belly up to a bar. Sometimes publishing companies like McGraw-Hill or Scott Foresman would have little parties in their hotel suites which were open to teachers who used their textbooks. Jimmy Mullen and Paul would kill off the better part of the afternoon at these private soirees, not to mention some pretty good booze. When Jimmy Mullen passed away, Jimmy C came on board to keep Paul company to maintain the yearly tradition. Eventually, the State mandated that teachers must have 10 “professional” hours of in-services and classes at the convention. When the site moved to its new location off the boardwalk, Paul and Jim would make the trip to take two classes and visit the Tun Tavern across the street for a “shot of courage” between classes in honor of Jimmy Mullen. Then, one year Paul and Jim walked into a nearly empty Tun Tavern after their first class to have a drink. Diagonally across from them, but hidden behind the center of the bar, was Jim Ridgeway, a ʻBreakfast with Daveʼ regular, and his wife Nancy, who had just arrived themselves for a drink or two. Without drawing any attention to themselves, Paul and Jim called the barmaid over and told her to set that couple up with another round. If they asked who bought it for them she was to simply answer “Jimmy Mullen”. Well, she did what she was told and Paul and Jim just sat back and watched. When the barmaid told Jim Ridgeway that Jimmy Mullen bought the drinks, his whole face became visibly pale, and he started looking around the bar to see who was there. Jimmy C even swears that for an instant he saw him shoot a glance heavenward. Mercifully, Paul and Jim made their presence known and J9er admitted that they got him good with that one. Then, J9er said, “Why donʼt we plan to come here every year at this time and have a drink for Jimmy Mullen.” And so, we have done just that, and in the process Paul and Jim have shared some unbelievable adventures, like the “Waiting for Ridgeway” episode where Paul and Jim waited for Ridgeway to show up at the Tun Tavern and when he didnʼt, they went out on the convention floor and asked total strangers if they wouldnʼt mind if we videoed them asking, “Whereʼs Ridgeway?”. We were amazed at the number of people who played right along with us. And yet another time, Jim and his group couldnʼt find his van that he parked at Ceasarʼs because no one realized that the casino had more than one parking garage, and they didnʼt remember which one they entered. This was a real life full blown Seinfeld experience. Since they all knew the Seinfeld episode where Jerry, George, Elaine and Kramer spend the entire show looking for their car in a New Jersey parking garage, they were actually walking through the garage laughing out loud about the fact that this very thing was happening to them.

So, after paying the $13.00 a piece for this weekʼs food and festivities, the group adjourned to the Tun Tavern to see what adventures awaited them there this year.

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Straighten Up and Fly Right

North Cape May, NJ: On this first November Thursday of 2011, the ʻBreakfast with Daveʼ moveable feast and morning soiree paid a return visit to the Blue Plate Diner at the intersection of Bayshore and Townbank Roads in North Cape May for some hard-boiled fun and over easy laughter. In attendance this week for the food and festivities were: Paul Mathis, Dave Smith, Ray McAlarnen, Eddie Jurewicz, Jim Colubiale and Ed Sherretta.

The Blue Plate Dinerʼs menu offered all the standard breakfast fare as well as several daily specials like eggs benedict. The omelets were moist and fluffy and could be made to order. The coffee and tea were bottomless, and our waitress made sure that our mugs were filled throughout the meal.

As the group slowly settled into their first cups of coffee and tea, Ray was quick to point out that, surprisingly (or maybe not), his car still knew the way back to the school from Ocean City. Ray, like the rest of the group, gathered not just for breakfast this morning, but to attend a memorial service at Evoy Funeral Home immediately after breakfast for Marcia DiMedio, a colleague and friend from LCMR and RMT, who lost her battle with cancer this past Saturday. However, Rayʼs Stump-way travel down to Exit 0 was far from uneventful. At one point, he witnessed an over turned vehicle around mile post 8. Puzzled by what could have caused a car to flip over like it did, Ray and the group attempted to figure out what could have caused this to happen when Dave suggested that maybe a deer “darted” out in front of the car. Paul immediately took Dave to task and wanted Dave to explain just how a deer can “dart”. This led to a thesaurus-like rant from the group as Dave was bombarded with a litany of suggested substitutions like, “Maybe the deer ʻboundedʼ into the highway,” or “Maybe the poor dear merely ʻmeanderedʼ into the road way,” and, “Letʼs not forget ʻsaunteredʼ! Not to mention ʻmoseyedʼ or ʻprancedʼ.” The group reached a consensus that probably a deer ʻsaunteredʼ out into the highway causing the car to swerve and flip. So, another traffic accident solved by the ʻBreakfast with Daveʼ Linguistic Detective Agency. Thatʼs a big 10-4, over and out!

Once everyoneʼs orders were taken off to the kitchen, Dave asked the gathering if anyone knew who was considered the “nicest” person in professional athletics. Dave then told the group about Oklahoma Basketball star Kevin Durant, who was so bored from the NBA strike that he tweeted about how he would like something to do to pass the time. A fraternity tweeted back to him stating that they were having a game later that afternoon and that he was welcome to come and play. And so he did. When the news traveled that Kevin Durant was going to be at this fraternity football game, nearly 500 people showed up at the field. Even after playing the whole game at every position on the field, Durant remained until everyone who wanted his autograph had received it. This story reminded Ed Sherretta about the time the Phillies came to LCMR for a fundraiser. Second baseman Norm Cash remained in the bleachers after the game until every kid who wanted his autograph had it. Eddie J then reminded every one of his Joe Peppitone glove story. According to Eddie, Peppitone advertised the glove as “guaranteed to improve anyoneʼs catching ability.” However, the gloveʼs magic didnʼt rub off on Eddie. So, when Eddie had a chance to see Peppitone in person, he brought the glove with him to sarcastically thank Joe for the chance of spending all his money on a worthless glove. Paul said, “What did you say to him? ʻNice glove pretty boy!ʼ”, which became our Seinfeld reference for the morning, alluding to “The Boy Friend” episode featuring New York Met first baseman Keith Hernandez where Kramer and Newman learn that Hernandez really did not spit at them that June 14th day outside of Shea Stadium.  Relief pitcher Sam McDowell did because Newman spilled a beer on him in the bullpen during the game.

When the food arrived and the coffee and tea mugs were refilled, Ray mentioned a time that he inadvertently entered the Stumpway heading in the wrong direction which prompted Jim to tell the following joke: A wife is listening to the early evening news on the radio when she hears a bulletin about a driver driving in the wrong direction on the freeway. Realizing that her husband travels that same road at that same time, she called him on his cell phone to warn him. The wife said, “Be careful, honey. They just said on the radio that thereʼs a nut driving the wrong way on the freeway. The husband responds: “One nut? Hell, there are hundreds of them!”

In keeping with the husband and wife theme, Ed Sherretta told the story of a wife and her husband who were drinking some wine when the wife says, “I love you and I really do not know what I would do without you.” The husband asks, “Is that you talking or the wine?” The wife responds, “Iʼm talking TO the wine!”

After the dishes were cleared and the check arrived, Paul was entrusted with the responsibility of calculating the cost per person while we listened to Ed Sherrettaʼs rant on politicians. Just like Mr. Hand from Fast Times at Ridgemont High who thought all students are on pot, Ed feels strongly that all politicians are liars. Before Ed could go any further, Paul announced that this weekʼs cost per person was $11.00 which included a decent tip for our outstanding waitress. As everyone was placing their money on the table, Eddie J reminisced about Marcia DiMedio. Eddie remembered that Marcia had a student who was making her class a living hell. Since Eddie taught the same student in his strings class and thought the boy was a decent kid deep down, he told Marcia that he would speak with the boy. So, one day Eddie took the student aside and got in his face, saying, “What the f#@k do think youʼre doing giving a good teacher like Mrs. DiMedio a hard time in class everyday?” Eddie demanded that the boy cease and desist from acting up in her class from that day forward. Later in the marking period, Marcia saw Eddie and thanked him because the boyʼs behavior had been exemplary ever since that day.

This caring for each other is what made working at LCMR so great. This is the same reason ʻBreakfast with Daveʻ has been such a success for over two years, and this is also why, after breakfast, the group paid their respects to yet another fallen colleague and friend.

Finally, ʻBreakfast with Daveʻ would like to leave these antanaclasistic and precious words of wisdom as a dessert: “Time flies like an arrow; Fruit flies like a banana.”

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